Hi. Good day to
everyone. My name is Stephanie and I am a
recovered mental illness survivor—
I have endured severe mental illness
for over half my life. During that time,
I suffered from clinical depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia,
schizoaffective disorder, and borderline personality disorder.
Due to the depression, my behaviors
ranged from excessive crying to excessive sleeping to suicide attempts. I felt feelings of worthlessness,
hopelessness, and helplessness. All I
thought I wanted to do was die. But in
fact, what I really wanted was help with overcoming my severe sadness.
During my manic states, I endured
impulsive, spontaneous, and irresponsible behaviors. I felt on top of world. I felt excessive amounts of energy. I had racing thoughts. I had delusions of grandeur. I’ll be honest. It felt great to be so high, but it is also
very dangerous. Risky behaviors can lead
to much endangerment of self and others.
The psychotic episodes I incurred caused
delusions and hallucinations. I suffered
from severe hallucinations of ALL five senses.
I also had irrational beliefs including that I was “the second-coming of
Christ.” My psychosis led me to committing a crime. In which led to me
spending over two months in jail and a total of 16 months of incarceration at a
state forensics center.
I have been psychiatrically
hospitalized 16 times in my life, from age 17 to age 37. This doesn’t include the six years I spent in
a residential treatment facility.
Due to my mental illness I lost
jobs, cars, homes, relationships, and my
freedom. I lost my dreams. I lost my dignity. And I lost all respect for myself. I also put many people's lives at risk.
But what I didn’t lose was my
life. I pulled through all the suicide
attempts, all the inner pain, all the agony.
I found the strength to survive.
I believe that my life indeed has a purpose—a plan in this world. And it may not be exactly what I had planned
for my life which was to become an oncologist and find the cure for
cancer. It is the plan in which God had
intended for me all along that I must accept.
I went through what I did because it had to occur in order to get me
prepared for my intended purpose all along.
If I didn’t go through all the heartache, I would NOT be the person I am
today. I am now a strong independent
woman who is on her way to a successful life.
A life in which has a purpose intended by God. I am right where I need to be. And maybe my future seems unknown and
distant. But it is this future that I
must commit to.
I must forgive myself for all my
mistakes in life and seek understanding from God. It is He who will guide me on my continued
path and purpose in this life. I am
grateful every day for my life. Because
if I didn’t have my life, I would indeed have absolutely nothing at all.
I have been on nearly every
medication available and went through intensive therapy. I have been looked upon as a “nut-case” by
others. I have saw the dark side of
life. And when I lost all hope of ever
accomplishing anything, I still had a little drive inside me that would not let
me give up. It would not let me give in.
And this is what I wish for
you. I wish for you to never give up and
for you to accept your given purpose in this life. I wish for you to get on the correct meds and
get the therapy that you need. I also
wish for the stigma against people with mental illness to end. But that will only happen in God’s given
time.
I have just written and
published a memoir about my amazing life journey through mental illness and how I beat the odds by finding the courage, strength, faith, and hope to overcome it all. It is called My Mental Madness Memoir. It is available on Amazon in eBook, paperback, and audiobook editions.
Much love to you all!
